Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
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