can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
