...so i touched it.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
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