you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
