I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize