guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
