Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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