Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
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