Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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