Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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