That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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