piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
