I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
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