If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Randomize
