I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
