im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
