i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
