I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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