I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Randomize
