My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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