the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
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