I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
