Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
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