I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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