roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Well I just put wine in my tea
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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