I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
The best revenge is premature balding
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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