After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
