Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
