i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
