I feel like I'm in dance class right now
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
