Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
