you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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