Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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