My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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