My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize