Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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