Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Randomize
