Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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