I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Randomize
