I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Randomize