my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
