So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize
