i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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