Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
