Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
no, he came in my armpit
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
why do cheetos always look like penises
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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