nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
