dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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