dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
