She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
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