Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Randomize