I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Bring me that man meat
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Randomize
