I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
Randomize
