They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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