Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
