Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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