if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
