The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize