the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize