I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
