i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
