im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
