Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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