My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
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