You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
