Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
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