if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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