alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
