he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I love having hate sex.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
