My girlfriend figured out who you are.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
